Recognizing My Faults

Ever since I was eight, I've been part of a website that really shaped my life. In trush, I joined for the magazine, which empowers girls and helps them feel positive, but I've met the most amazing girls ever on this site, and learned so much from them. They're different than my real life friends, but in good ways. I know I can turn to them and talk about things my schoolmates don't care about, and I've even had some friendships turn to real ones, where I know the girl (I wrote about it a while ago). Now I can say that she's one of my best friends.

That aside, the point of this entire program was to keep things positive, and inspire inner beauty, etc. The problem is that I know that I have faults, but I don't really want to complain about them there. Instead, I'll come right out and put them here. Everybody has faults, I know that. Everyone has somehing that they should fix, and everybody's a bit vain sometimes. What I'm about to write isn't a rant on life, it's my self constructive criticism. There are so many things that I know I do that I should improve on, but either I can't figure the right way out, or I have no time to try and fix it. Some of them are just the way that I am.

-I bow way too close to the fingerboard sometimes. This drives me insane when I see other people do it, but it's natural for my arm to move that way, and I can't think about that and a long run of sixteenth notes that span on two strings in second position at the same time. My wrist won't bend at the right angle when I want it to (not a right angle, the correct angle), and it frustrates me. A lot.

-I procrastinate. I'm sure that everyone suffers from this in one way or another, but I will get this idea in my head sometimes that I have more time than I really do, and I can do something later. When that time comes, I realize that I really don't have enough time, and I don't really want to be doing this anyway. While I'm putting it off, it's just tugging in the back of my brain. It's so much better to finish a long day at dance knowing that you can go home and not worry about work than it is to know you have to write a paper when you get home, but I keep on doing this to myself.

-When I hold out my arms in second position, it looks okay when I'm facing the mirrors, but it looks horrible from the side. I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've gotten a lot better at using my wrists and looking at my hands, but it still looks wrong, I'm worried that I'm not a solid enough dancer, and that my moves don't connect. I probably worry more than I should.

-I compare myself to people too much. I'm sure that if I were homeschooled and had no one else to compare scores with, I'd be happier with standardized tests and other grades, but all I can do now is think about what my other friends got. It's true that we're all pretty smart, but that just calls for more competition. I wish my mind wouldn't work that way, but I worry too much about what other people will think of me, even though they probably aren't thinking about me at all.

-I hate criticism.

Now some things I have improved on: (I really don't want to add to the previous list that I talk about myself too much, so I'll try not to sound self-centered).

-I've gotten a lot better at talking to adults, and other kids. When I went to an orchestra rehearsal with a bunch of kids a didn't know, I commented on someone's Doctor Who shirt, introduced myself to some other musicians, and tried to not be as shy as I used to be. I'll talk on the phone more now, and ask employees for instructions or directions at the store.

-I've gotten a better sound at the violin, even though I can't keep the darn bow near the bridge. My sound is bigger, and I've gotten a lot better at vibrato, which is nice.

-I honestly don't care about the hardships of middle school health anymore. The first few days of the unit were are little awkward, and I had to tell myself that I needed to be mature. Now, a week later, it's actually a really interesting class, considering my 23-year-old math teacher is teaching it, and even she has trouble being mature sometimes. I'm just happy that I can handle it now, and am not embarrassed by every little thing.

So, what about you? What are some things you need to work on, and other tihngs that you have fixed? I'd love to hear them, and if you want to, let me know (via comment or whatever). Sorry if I bore you with a long analysis of my life.


Also, I just finished My Sister's Keeper yesterday, and I'm thinking of writing a review on it. Maybe.We'll see.