Being Better

I'm in the process of trying to become a better person.

I've always thought that I was okay, that I could be annoying at times and not very nice to my family, but that I mostly was a nice person who wasn't in the the way too much. All of a sudden though, after reflecting on what I've done in the past few years, I've realized that I say things sometimes that are just plain weird, could be taken the wrong way, or could have me pinpointed as selfish or obnoxious. Maybe I am. I definitely have been at some times. All of a sudden, though, I don't want to hurt my friends, and have them be mad at me. It could be a desperate plea to get people to stay on my side, to not be left behind. I just don't want to be mean.

How do you become a better person? I've learned this summer, through health studying, that you need to be assertive if you want to get what you need/want, but not too aggressive about it. I took a quiz in the book and found that I'm about fifteen points below the minimum amount of points needed to be perfectly assertive, which means that I can be way too passive at times. I know that this is true, because, even though I'm speaking out in my head, I'm too quiet to actually say anything in real life. There's a fine line between being a too nice and being assertive enough that it's good for yourself, so I can't just tell people what they want to hear.

Another thing that my health book says is that the people who are the most attractive to society are the ones who have high self-esteem. This got me thinking. It makes sense; if someone values him or  herself, then other people will hold that person and high regard and look up to him or her. However, if the person is conceited, or has a false opinion of him or herself, then other people won't be as interested in talking to that person and forging strong friendships. On Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the top level is self-actualization, which is a stage of enlightenment that about 1 to 2% of humans actually reach. It's the highest level of self-esteem, and a person there would be the wisest and ideal person to admire. But if nobody actually gets there, then what is the level of self-esteem that makes other people like us, and enjoy our company? If you're looking for friendship, then you definitely need to respect that person-but you also have to respect yourself. Basically, be at peace with life.

I'm a procrastinator. Most of the time, depending on what it is, I don't do things right away. I put them off and put them off, and then it's horrible when I'm scrambling to do them at the last minute. I understand the principle of doing something now and having fun later, I just can't always follow through, and then there's that nagging in the back of my mind the entire time that I'm putting it off. I borrow time from the future, even when I'm not sure of how the future will end up turning out (like investing in a shaky stock), and I can actually feel my opinion of myself degrading as I do it. For example, I obviously haven't written on this blog for about sixteen days straight, not counting yesterday. During those sixteen days, I made excuses to myself, tried to push away the nagging, and ended up with a giant responsibility, to myself, piling up. I mean, I don't even know who reads this blog or even follows how often I post, but the point is that I let myself down. If I can stop doing that, then I can concentrate on not letting other people down.

From now on, I will try to think about what I say before I say it. Maybe I just worry too much about what other people think of me, but I don't want to be that person who causes others to groan when I enter the room or group. I don't want to feel like I have to make up things about myself, or compare myself all the time, just so I can have approval, because, as I learned from my health book (apparently my source of information for the summer), that's a quality that somebody with low self-esteem/emotional problems possesses. I don't think I need to go volunteer at the animal shelter to become a better person that way, but I can consider the impact that I have on the world and the people that I value.